I’m not feeling the love, and I don’t want sex. Should I leave?

What’s wrong with me?

by Lauren Millman
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No.  Have you just had a baby? Do you have more than one child? Are you overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted?

These, and many other facts of life can lead you, mom or dad, to not wanting sex, not feeling the love, and thinking maybe you want out. But these are all separate issues in and of themselves, and should be approached individually and seriously. I’ve found that the most common reason why couples, especially women, don’t want sex is because they’re exhausted, overwhelmed with the daily activities of baby, kids, and house, or may be suffering from postpartum depression. Setting other issues aside, these are the most common, and they are normal. We are too quick to make hasty assumptions in this fast-paced world we now live in about how if we suddenly feel like we’re sexless and loveless, that we must have fallen out of love, and we should consider ending the relationship.

Well, hold your horses there Nellie. Not so fast. Unless a major realization or incident has occurred, my goal is to always stay, and talk. Yes, we have to have a dreaded conversation about how we feel, our wants and desires, and how we’re going to go about and get our needs filled. We also need to have a conversation about why you feel the way you feel. This, perhaps, is the most poignant conversation you may have. If you’re honest with yourself, and honest with your partner, you may find that the vent alone will help. One thing is certain; you are not alone. After I had my first child, I felt this way—the only things I was interested in was sleep, chocolate, and carbs. But of course I was! I was exhausted, overwhelmed, suffering from a bit of Post-Partum depression, and I hated the way my post-baby body looked.

Having kids is no easy feat. And that all-pervasive handbook we’re all are still looking for..it doesn’t exist. We have to wing it, and hope we’re doing it right, on top of keeping the love going and the sex flowing. Ew, yuck. For some, this is how it feels. Just. Not. Interested. That’s ok.

Here are 6 ways you can do to start helping yourself, and understanding your feelings.

Have that conversation.

Start by telling your spouse you love them, or at least say something positive, and express to them how you feel, and why. You may be pleasantly surprised that they are more understanding than you thought they would be. Don’t be shy about sharing it all. They really do want to know, and they do want to help and be supportive.

Post-Partum Depression?

If you think you may be suffering from Post-Partum Depression, go see a doctor. Or not. You know yourself best. It’s normal, so don’t think you’re some weird gargoyle from outer space. Sit together and talk about your emotions. Let your partner know it’s not them, and that they’re doing a great job but that you may need a bit more support and understanding right now.

Some great non-medicinal remedies to help you through this are: Exercise, drinking lots of water, get outside to benefit from the sunshine and the Vitamin D it offers, take a good multi-vitamin, and smiling! Smiling tricks the brain into thinking you’re happier than you may actually be, and then presto, you actually begin to feel calmer and happier.

Get Social- Being social is a big one! 

Get out for a brisk walk and grab a #Starbucks, or visit your favourite shop and maybe treat yourself to a little something. #Coach, #Sephora, #Honey, or your favourite department store like #HoltRenfrew, #TheBay, or even #Macy’s, don’t necessarily have to break the bank. Surround yourself with beauty and conversation.

Conversation is the key, and the goal is to have happy, fulfilling conversations, even if they are with a stinger and last only a minute. It’s amazing what the power of another person can do, if you let it.

 Ask for help.

This is the most difficult thing for most of my clients to do, men and women alike. If you’re type A like, asking for help is the anti-christ. It took me 2 years of misery to realize I couldn’t do things on my own, and I was beyond miserable. To make matters worse, I was making everyone around me miserable too. You too? Not fair. To anyone. Including and especially you. If you think asking for help makes you weak? Actually, on the contrary…it shows just how very strong an individual you are. So, ask, ask, and ask again. If I can ask, you can most certainly ask. And by the way, whoever judges you for a messy ouse, cancelled plans, or an unprepared meal can go stick-it.

Tell them I said so.


 Sex and your boo. Go slow. No one says you have to give up the whole enchilada when you’re not there yet. Remember when you first started dating the one you’re with…all those first dates? Go there. Go easy and start over, starting small. Build up your confidence and nerve. Your partner is trying to understand. Help them. Have a conversation here too.

Acknowledgement and validation.

I’m big on this. The biggest aphrodisiac may be the brain, but the biggest motivator to get someone to do or give something, is by acknowledging and validating them. Express to your partner what you need, what you think will work for both of you, and come to a working agreement. Get on the same page. You need to know your partner understands you, what you’re going through and how you feel. Tell them you understand them, and what they’re going through. Have a reciprocal conversation, and decide upon how the two of you are going to move forward knowing all these new feelings, challenges and concerns.

The best thing you can do for your relationship right now is understand what you’re both feeling, and have an effective conversation.

Listen to each other. Make a plan. Share the responsibilities. Give to one another where you can. Understand what makes the other person feel special and appreciated, and do that. A lot. Agree to be there for each other, without judgement, and remember, that this moment in time is usually temporary, however long that lasts. And it’s ok, just as long you’re doing you’re best, with what you have, each day, as you try to move through and forward to happier, hotter, and sexier times. It will come.

If you need more help and support, I’m here for you.

Now, go get-your-happy-on:)


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