Not one of my more fun, happy, or light topics, but one that is still nonetheless informative, and needs to be spoken about. Why? Because too many suffer alone, in silence, struggling quietly, without asking for help for fear of being judged or seen as weak or even ridiculous.
We’re talking about loss. Grab your kleenex, because this may be a bit bumpy, at first. Loss comes in many forms. The loss of a close friend due to irreconcilable differences, a relationship due to to incompatibility or infidelity, or from a passing. The loss of a child the most painful. Often never recoverable, even partially. But your life must go on, because you have no other reasonable options, and those around you, need you. And in your life, you’ll forever carry the memories, the good, the bad, the ugly, even as you walk around with smiles and laughter, in pain.
We will never understand the ugliness and loneliness of loss, or death. We have, and we loose, and it’s incredibly painful. Grief sets in, and after the shock and horrible sadness, we are always left to wonder, why. Why do bad things happen to good people. The answers we may never know, but in each passing and with each loss, they leave with us a trail of thought, a sense of reality, and a sense that we need to live more, love more, do better, be gentler, and be kinder. Even in all this sadness, they leave us these gifts. But how do we go on? How do we grieve? How do we get through each and every day and live our lives, burdened by the sadness of what we once had. Here’s how…
1. Just. Be. You are officially now given permission to let yourself off the hook. Grief takes time. It’s a process, and wherever you are, is exactly where you need to be, for however long. But here’s the catch. You have to live. You have to eat, care for yourself, and perhaps care for others. Be where you are, but give yourself time-frames. This is my methodology for helping my clients. Grieve. Cry. Get angry. Be mad. Feel the disbelief. Then, tell yourself, enough, and give yourself a break. My suggestion is to break from it for an hour in the morning, and hour in the afternoon, and at least 30 minutes in the evening. It’s what I call “Practicing Life.” Kind of like ‘fake it ’til you make it,” and it works.
2. Brain Dump and Write. A lot. Writing is the first step to “getting it out.” We can’t hold onto things inside for too long because then they end up festering into bigger heartaches and wounds, affecting how we treat others, our children, and ourselves. Shock and disbelief are very difficult to “talk” about, but when pen is put to paper, it’s amazing what comes out. Our brains have fewer filters when we write than when we speak, so, write. A lot. And then some more. Buy a diary-type book that looks pretty and inviting, that you’re going to feel invited to open. No one has to see it. It’s for you, unless you want to share. Keep writing and dumping, until you start feeling like there’s nothing left. Write about your shock, disbelief, anger, denial, guilt, about your helplessness, loneliness, and sadness.
3. Go for a walk. Yes, even when you don’t feel like it, when you’re so emotionally exhausted from all the writing, walk. After each time you write, walk. No phones, no pets. Just you and the atmosphere. Listen. Hear what’s around you. Appreciate what you see and hear. say help to a passerby. Smile at a cute puppy. Smell a flower. Sounds trite, right? Maybe, But here again, you’re practicing life. Do this, every day. And every day, do a bit more, go a bit further, and listen and appreciate a little bit longer.
4. Smile, especially when you can’t. Counter-Intuitive, right? Wrong. There is something to “fake it ’til you make it.” The brain physiologically changes it neurone and firing when you smile, keeping you out of fight-or-flight as much as possible, and keeping your sympathetic nervous system low and in-check. It also tricks the brain into thinking everything is ok. Works great with issues of anger-management, but also with sadness and grief. You won’t believe me until you try it. So go ahead, and try. I know if will be very difficult because it’s the very last thing you want to do, but do it anyway. For you.
5. Write a letter. Yes, we’re writing again. This may come weeks or months down the road, but when you feel like you’re starting to feel better, you can start writing different kinds of letters, specific to your grief and loss. Your letter can be be one of resolution, acceptance, good-bye, resolve, or even I love you and miss you and know you’re ok wherever you are. If you’re letter is of this nature, you may also feel inspired to let yourself off the hook for any responsibility you may feel.
6. Be Social. As you feel better, and remember that your timing is your own, go out. It all begins with baby steps, and you’ve already begun the process by going on your walks. When you think you can begin to muster up the courage to start talking to people again, take the dog out, join the kids at the park, take yourself out for #starbucks or buy yourself that little #maclipstick you’ve wanted. Don’t forget to love you. You’re needed. You’re special. You’re loved too.
7. Seek Support. Talk to a Professional, someone who understands, someone who “gets it”, and someone who is going to understand what you’re going through without imposing unrealistic expectations upon you. Say no to people if you’re not ready to chat or socialize, say yes to those who are offering help with the little ones or to cook or clean, and accept the goodness and graciousness of others, even if it’s difficult do so. They’re offering because they want to. Let them. You can repay them later.
Grief and loss come in all shapes and forms. While this article is written in a more general sense, as it’s impossible to be specific to your exact situation, while reaching a broad cross of people, your letter or letters are going to be specific to you, to your loss, to grief, and what you need at that moment. Live the best person that you can be. Give, share, and be present. You. Are. Empowered.
Lauren
