It’s 5 o’clock. After a long day at work, you’ve picked up the kids and have made it into your home in one piece. You can barely see straight, between being awake after 2 calls from your toddler in the middle of the night because she has to pee (of course, you couldn’t fall back asleep), and your boss telling you the deadline has moved up 3 days to tomorrow and you spent all day trying to finish the file. Your second job has only begun. The job of parent/cook/sleep doula/maid/mediator. If you’re anything like me, you tell your kids to play nicely as you prepare dinner, then hope that they can get along just long enough for you to throw something edible together…Wishful thinking. Within 5 minutes, they’re fighting over who is going to use the fire engine red crayon, because the cherry red crayon doesn’t have as sharp a tip. You’re so stressed out and tired from your day that you are about to lose it- we all know that feeling- your body gets hot, your nostrils flare, you want to start throwing plates or knives or any other kitchen utensil within arms reach. You could go all Charlotte York from Sex and The City and hide in your pantry, where your kids wont see you break down and cry, but we know that is not going to solve anything. So whats a Mamma (or Dadda) to do during these times?
Set Limits
It is normal for children to misbehave at times, as they test limits and boundaries to see how much power they have. Being able to decipher between testing limits and actual bad behaviour is important. Explaining that the behaviour is not acceptable and why, will help the child gain an understanding of what your expectations are. Be calm- getting your “knickers in a knot” will only enforce how much power they have with their behaviour. Offer alternatives for expressing their feelings- if they are frustrated, taking a break is a better choice than throwing the puzzle piece at their friend.
Give Consequences
Respond immediately and if the behaviour deserves a consequence, make sure it relates to the situation. Time outs can give your child time to think or calm down but they don’t always work. Missing Joey’s birthday party in 2 weeks because he drew on the newly painted wall will not teach your son that we only use paper for colouring.
Model Behaviour
With older toddlers, role playing can be a fun activity to teach positive behaviour for difficult situations. With younger children, actually modelling what is acceptable and how to deal with difficult situations when you play with your child will teach them the important life skill.
Discussion
Reiterate the next morning before your child goes to day care or school that the biting/hitting/kicking/etc is not ok and that you want a good report at the end of the day. Reminders of what good behaviour looks like encourages them to do the right thing.
Even after years of working with young children, and now having two of my own, I still find dealing with behaviours a challenge. Each child is different and their reason for acting the way they do varies day by day. That means, the way the behaviour is handled needs to vary. What might work as consequence or reasoning may work one day, but it might not the next.
The most important thing, when dealing with your child when he/she misbehaves, is to stop and think to yourself “how BAD is this situation?” . Then count to 10- unless there is a safety issue and you need to get in there FAST. We tend to get angry and move in to deal with the situation right away but 10 seconds can really calm you down enough to be able to deal more rationally. Rather than accusing the child, it’s better to be positive. Talking to the child and asking questions to children who are verbal is a good way to get them to calm down and not feel like they’re being attacked. In my experience, accusing only makes the child more upset and reactive.
If you listen to your child, and are open to understanding why the behaviour is occuring, your child will feel like they’re being heard and their feelings matter. After all, negative behaviour often stems from frustrations of not being understood or heard.
