Watching my dad drop dead in front of me was the worst day of my life. Yes…worse than what I wrote about in my last post. I also promise that this is the last post that will be this long there really was no other way to do this. Thanks for understanding.
I always thought that I would never be able to survive losing one of my parents. I literally thought that I would crumble and die but here I am. Almost a year and a half after losing my dad and I’m still kicking (harder than ever I would like to believe).
My dad died on July 7, 2013. It was a year and a half after losing my baby and I was finally starting to feel like myself again. I had looked forward to that day for a couple of months because it was my cousins wedding day. It was the first time in a really long time that I looked forward to going out and socializing. I looked forward to seeing people that I had not seen in a long time, dancing, drinking and having fun with my entire family (there is a lot of us). I bought a dress, got my hair done and off we went.
It was a fun night. We reconnected with friends and family and everyone seemed to be in a great mood. The vibe was infectious. Everyone was having a blast. We drank, ate and danced…we danced a lot. I spent a lot of time with my dad that night. He loved to party, drink and dance and, we did a lot of that growing up…it was super fun. At around midnight my girls were tired so I did what my parents used to do when we were kids. I put a few banquet hall chairs together, laid them down, and to sleep they went. The party continued. At about 1:00am, my brother, my dad and I were dancing together. In that moment my heart swelled with joy. I was reminded of my childhood, I felt proud, I felt love and so many other things all at once. As we danced my dad decided he was done dancing and turned around and walked away. I distinctly remember him looking at us and waving…it was his last goodbye. My brother and I danced on like 2 little kids for about 5 seconds when suddenly we heard screaming so we quickly turned around. I was confused and wasn’t sure what I was looking for until I looked to the right and saw my dad lying on his back on the dance floor. He was about 20 feet away from us. I FROZE! WTF???!!!!?? Did he trip and fall? What happened? It’s crazy how quickly so many questions go through your head in a time of panic. I quickly realized that my dad was not moving. One of our friends who is also Police Officer quickly ran to my dads side. He dropped to the ground, checked for a pulse and looked up. He yelled “HE HAS NO PULSE…CALL 911” – those words will forever be ingrained in my mind.
My brother and husband ran over to my dad’s side and my mind went to my mom. WHERE IS MOM? I spotted her running towards my dad and quickly intercepted her. I knew she would get in the way of our friend (who had already started CPR) doing what he needed to do so I literally takled her to the ground.
As I lay on top of my mom trying to calm her, the place went into sheer and utter chaos. People were screaming, yelling, coming over to us and telling us everything was going to be okay and that he was breathing but I knew, I knew the second I saw my dad on the ground that he was gone. Once again…my initial instinct was right. Of course I hoped I was wrong but I wasn’t. I remember looking at a friend and telling her “just watch my babies and please don’t let them see what’s happening”. Someone WAS watching over my babies because through all the chaos and commotion, they never woke up. I am grateful for that everyday.
The time it took for the paramedics to arrive felt like hours. They used the defibrillator a few times with no success – more agony watching this. Then they quickly put my dad on a stretcher and took him away. My mom and I rode in the back of the police cruiser with one of my uncles. I knew my dad was already gone. No sirens ahead of us in the ambulance, no speeding to the hospital, just a slow calm drive.
Within minutes of getting to Credit Valley Hospital my dad was pronounced dead and my life, as I knew it was forever changed in that very moment. I remember everything about that evening from beginning to end. I remember waiting in the receiving line to greet the newlywed couple and looking back to see my dad. When he saw my girls he knelt down and spread his arms out…they both went running to him and he embraced them with all his love. He had an unusual glow about him at that moment that I distinctly remember. I remember saying to myself WOW…he looks good for an old man…lol. He was 67!
I remember my brother sitting with one knee bent and the other leg spread out holding my dads head in his lap while the others did CPR on him. I remember my husband talking to him in his ear trying to bring him back but it he was already gone.
Such is life my friends, one minute we were dancing and happier then words can describe and the next minute (literally) my dad collapsed and died on the floor.
Again, I don’t share this story for pity. I am surely not the first person to lose a parent or the last. I share this story to send a message and a reminder of how precious every moment we have is. I choke back tears everyday because I miss my dad so much. I always thought he was my strength, my courage, my sound voice and my sweet sweet daddy and, although he was all those things for me at some point in my life, losing him has taught me that I am actually all those things for myself. I am strong. I am courageous. I am of sound mind and, I will survive.
I am so grateful for that incredible night with my dad. I fully enjoyed him and it was a gift I will cherish forever. I am also grateful because my dad and I were at a great place in our relationship. Just like most father/daughter relationships we had many ups and downs over the years; arguments, disagreements and even nasty fight’s at times. We grew to have a mutual respect for each other’s opinions and personalities even if we didn’t always agree. I am so grateful for all of the times we sat and talked…so grateful!!
As I have said before, it has been a long road with many ups and downs and twists and turns since my dad died. I have experienced every emotion there is from anger to fear to terror to weakness to feeling sorry for myself and even at times resentment. Grief strikes in very strange ways. Just when you think you’re dealing with it you get knocked down again. I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on life and myself and, although I heard it all the time before I can now truly say with every once of my being that every second of every moment is precious. When I say that life as I knew it changed, I mean it changed in every way. I try hard to focus on doing things that make me happy instead of making others happy while I am miserable inside. I do things because they bring ME joy. I try really hard not to worry about what others think because in the end – it’s never personal (this was a huge awakening for me).
I have spent a lot of time being angry with myself for feeling certain ways but all the emotions have helped me get to where I am. I am grateful for all those emotions today and I accept them. I accept how I feel and allow myself to actually like the person I am. It’s what my dad would have wanted. He raised me to be strong, capable and independent and, I think he did a pretty good job – I am grateful for the lessons he taught me and the truth is, even though I can’t see him, he continues to teach me everyday. His words are always with me. And now when I don’t agree with everything he says he can’t yell at me…
Love yourself and allow yourself to feel every, and any emotion you are feeling. Validate those emotions and accept yourself for who you truly are. I bet you will find that you’re pretty incredible. I believe that only then can you fully move on from tragedy and/or hardship. We easily beat ourselves up and question our actions and reactions instead of just listening to our inner voice and being okay with what we are told the first time. Stop worrying about things that are out of our control when you could be basking in the gift of the present moment.
I love this quote – “Don’t miss the sun today worrying about the rain coming tomorrow”.
So… as I always say, I will take any horrible situation and find the good in it. Although I would give my left arm to have my dad back, I know that is not possible. I am grateful he did not suffer and I am grateful that the time he did spend on earth was wonderful. He lived a full life free of illness and pain and full of love and prosperity. What more can a person ask for? I have learned that I am stronger than I every thought I was and I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to start the most amazing journey of my life…the journey of self discovery! I hope you will join me – with all my love,
Eleni
Love you daddy….xoxoxo
