Divorce as a New Beginning

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For some, going through a divorce is the most stressful experience of their lives.
Every couple is different. Some marriages end because of infidelity; some because the emotional connection is lost. Regardless of your reasons, only you know when you are ready to end your relationship.

This is a big decision. And since a divorce will legally end your marriage, it’s a decision you will have to stand by for the rest of your life.

Believe it or not, there is a actually a preferred way to get through this process positively.

Among the first pieces of advice that I offer my clients is this: as the end of the marriage approaches, be kind. Hurt, anger and resentment do not contribute to successful divorces. If actions are governed by bitterness, the separation negotiations you are about to enter into will only be acrimonious. So it’s important to try to keep things civil for your sake, and the sake of your children.

As mentally and physically draining as the process is about to get for you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse, your kids will no doubt be experiencing a wide range of emotions as well.  

For many kids, divorce can be a crisis as the things they depend on seem to be tipping out of balance. You are no longer sharing the matrimonial bedroom; your dinner habits start to change; and mom or dad leaving home can all be anxiety inducing.

Regardless of your new routines, it’s important to make sure the kids know both you and their other parent still love them.

Kids can come out of a divorce healthy, happy and strong, but it does take a little time, energy and commitment on your part. Trust, open communication, and a workable parenting schedule are all keys to parenting collaboratively.

Although both separation and divorce are required to legally end your marriage, there is actually a distinction between the two concepts.

A divorce is the legal ending of a marriage by a court order. There is only one ground for divorce in Ontario and that is marriage breakdown, which is signified by living separate and apart from your spouse, typically for one year. There are two cases in which you do not need to wait the year before being granted a divorce. One is if your spouse has had sexual intercourse with someone else during your marriage and you did not forgive the adultery or live together more than 90 days after finding out. You must be willing to name the adulterer in a public court document. The second is if your spouse has been physically or mentally cruel to you. These two grounds for divorce, it should be noted, are at times difficult and possibly expensive to prove.

Separation, on the other hand, begins from the moment you have expressed and demonstrated your intention to begin living separate and apart from your spouse and there is no prospect of reconciliation. You should take care to somehow document your decision with the other person, but it is recommended that you speak to a lawyer before doing so.

Once a decision is made to end the relationship there are many issues which must be addressed. These issues include custody and parenting arrangements, child support, spousal support and division of marital property.

There are many avenues available to divorcing couples that can assist them in this process. Most common among them is entering into a Separation Agreement (a written and enforceable legal agreement) through negotiations. However there are other options available as well such as Alternative Dispute Resolution methods (mediationcollaborative), or commencing a court action.

It might seem counter-intuitive to expect you to negotiate a separation agreement that includes decisions that are so critical, at a time when you are under tremendous stress and emotional turmoil.

This is definitely not easy. However a family law lawyer can help you objectively navigate these decisions and ensure that your rights are protected.

There are few things you should consider when choosing a lawyer.

Do you know a lawyer? You may know a friend of a friend who is a lawyer or you may have a friend who got divorced and has a recommendation. Referrals from trusted sources are definitely a great way to find a lawyer. How do I feel about the lawyer? The first meeting you have with a lawyer is critical. You must feel comfortable that this person understands your situation and will be able to help you. You must find someone in whom you have confidence and who will charge an amount that seems reasonable to you.

Divorce brings out a lot of emotions in people. It can be unpredictable and sometimes even painful. But as your marriage ends, it’s important that you and your ex-spouse try to work together (as best you can) to achieve mutually satisfactory outcomes; outcomes that address both your needs and the best interests of your children. As difficult as it can sometime get, try seeing your divorce as a new beginning; the first step along a path to a happier and more predictable future. It’s a view that just might help you along an otherwise challenging journey.

 

 

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