What is Parental Alienation?
Coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985, “Parental Alienation Syndrome” describes a “disorder that arises primarily in the context of child custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It is caused by a combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the targeted parent.”
Since 1985, the recognition of such behavior and the impact that it can have on family dynamics has evolved dramatically.
In recent years, there has been an emergent group of scholars who have intensified the debate around parental alienation with some viewing such behavior as both “abusive to children” (Fidler and Bala 2010) and a “generally disregarded form of child abuse” (Bernet et al, 2010).
Parental Alienation: How it Starts
Ordinarily sweet, affectionate kids exposed to parental alienation can be transformed into children who want nothing to do with one parent. If you’ve seen this kind of change in your kids, it may be time to talk to your divorce lawyer.
Parental alienation can cause permanent damage to parent-child relationships; worse, it can give your kids emotional baggage they’ll carry for the rest of their lives.
It often starts with your ex or a stepparent, whether consciously or unconsciously:
• Bad-mouthing or disparaging you. Kids absorb a great deal of what their parents say (probably more than we’d like to admit), so hurtful words about a parent can easily take root.
• Preventing or interfering with time the kids are supposed to spend with you, including phone time or webcam visits. The less your kids can interact with you, the more they might rely on the way others feel to form their opinions and feelings.
• Making kids feel bad for expressing love or positive feelings for you. When one parent makes a child feel guilty or “wrong” for loving you, those feelings can become part of their association with you—even if the kids can’t really explain why.
• Telling kids that they’re not important to you or that you don’t love them. Statements like “Mom has more important things to do than pick you up today” or “If Dad loved you like he says he does, he wouldn’t have done what he did” can cause emotional wounds that take years to heal, if at all.
What to Look For
While your kids might be exhibiting clear-cut symptoms of parental alienation, other signs might not be so obvious. If you notice these behaviors, call your divorce lawyer right away. You may have serious grounds to change your child custody agreement.
• Your child is angry with you but cannot give a reason why, finds fault in everything you do or sides with your ex over everything.
• Your child guiltlessly rejects you and your family—grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and all.
• Your child acts like everything is your fault and may not acknowledge that you once had a loving, happy relationship with each other.
• Your child denies that their feelings for you have anything to do with your ex and may become angry if you suggest that they do.
Curbing Alienation
Whatever the alienating parent’s motive(s) might be – whether it’s a push for sole custody; an increase in child support payments; fueled purely out of anger; or the fulfillment of some other misguided psychological aim – one thing is certain: kids need both their parent to provide relationships that are safe and loving, and where trust is unquestioned.
If you suspect your child is the victim of parental alienation, talk to your divorce lawyer right away. He or she might be able to refer you to a local counselor or therapist who is well-versed in relationship hurdles like these—and the sooner you get your child some help, the better.
