I’ve been thinking more about those “lovely” years of my life, grades 9 through 13 (yes I am old enough to have gone through grade 13, more than once!), as I re-live my high school years through my 14 year old daughter who is now at the beginning of her own high school journey.They warned parents during her orientation night for grade 9 that it was going to be a bitch.They were right.It has been and it is full of them.While I have no doubt that the high school experience is very different for boys and girls, overall, it can often be an unpleasant experience for both.
If a kid is transitioning into high school with a bunch of old friends from middle school, the process can certainly be less painful. But make no mistake, high school can turn some kids into monsters. I bet some kids mentally prepare themselves by transforming themselves into someone other than who they really are. In my day, I remember some kids completely changing over the summer between grade 8 and 9. I remember one guy in particular, who was a seemingly nice and kind of quiet, chubby guy when I was friendly with him in grade 8. But that September after summer holiday, he did a complete about-face. He had slimmed down, grown taller, became “cool” (meaning, he became a stoner) and also became a smart-ass. He also became my former friend, completely ignoring me as he sought to aggressively climb the social ladder at our new school.
Grade 9 was and clearly continues to be, a transitional year for many. Grade 9’ers are finding their way. They are figuring out who their friends are. There are missteps along the way. But by the end of grade 9, a base of friends are often created taking them into the rest of their high school career and hopefully into the rest of their lives. But, the process of finding these core group of “true” friends is a hellish process.
My daughter seems to be going through this hell right now. It’s no walk in the park; for her AND for us. She worked very hard to connect with a crew of girls whom she thought were the coolest and most popular grade 9 girls to hang with. She entered grade 9 not really knowing any of these girls but quickly found out that they were the one’s to be with.
In the process, she inadvertently stepped on a few heads as she climbed the way up the social ladder, dismissing other girls who, my wife and I both thought, were pretty decent and civilized people.
Once she hit the status that she thought would take her into the remaining years of her high school career, she quickly realized that these girls were not all that she thought they would be.
They had mostly all come from the same middle school and summer camp or had been friends prior to high school, so they were already “buddy-buddy” going into grade 9.
Strike one.
These girls also came from a privileged background. They wanted for nothing and what they didn’t have, they got.
Strike two.
The most bitter pill for my daughter to swallow was that when these girls made social plans, they almost never included my daughter. Instead, she would have to make inquiry about weekend plans and would ask to be included. Never once was my daughter asked to join or never was allowed to say what she wanted to do. She just followed along because she wanted to be with the cool crowd.
Strike three.
Her frustration level reached a boiling point recently and she is now in a state of transition; not wanting to continue on her friendship with these girls but at the same time, wanting to still be included in their social circles.
Can I say right now that girls can be really mean to each other? I know boys can be nasty too but since I live in a house filled with girls, this is all I will ever see. Sometimes words can be more stinging then punches.
We have encountered many tears because of her feelings being hurt by these girls and we have repeatedly told her that there are many other girls who are probably nicer and more thoughtful and considerate and that she should gravitate towards these girls instead…regardless of the other crowd.
In her heart, she knows this the right thing to do, but because it is high school where peer acceptance is hyper-critical, she is hesitant and reluctant to take the leap.
Will all of this get any better? Eventually. But I do know that while it sucks for her and I feel really bad for her being treated like a door mat, my daughter is going through some variation of what almost every other high school child goes through.
By and large, high school sucks.
Recently, two female acquaintances of ours had some face time with our daughter. They shared their own high school experiences with her. Neither experience sounded very pleasant and amazingly, while they were way way past their secondary school years, they spoke with such detail about high school, it sounded like they were right back in grade 9.
High school is a rite of passage. It is a pivotal time in the development of most young men and women as it shapes them into whom they become as adults. How they deal with those years and how they feel about themselves and how much support they receive from close friends and family, contribute largely to how they turn out as adults and general members of society.The road is not totally filled with challenge. There are many pleasant memories I have of my years in high school. But as is often the case with most experiences in life, we tend to focus more on the negatives and not the positives.
We remind our daughter every day of how wonderful, caring, intelligent, kind and beautiful she is and that she should be entitled to be properly treated and respected. If someone doesn’t see these qualities in her, then they are not her friend to begin with.
Despite all of this, I am optimistic that she will emerge from high school a smarter, stronger, thicker-skinned, respected and admired young woman.
In the meantime, it’s not so bad staying home with her Mom and Dad on the occasional Saturday night!
Stephen Gosewich is an aspiring enlightened male. He spends his weekdays as a commercial real estate professional, and all other times with his wonderfully supportive wife and two very active and inspiring daughters. He lives in Toronto and enjoys family time, pop culture and when not dealing with one ailment or another, he loves spinning up a storm and perfecting his downward dog.
