As my husband and I sat in our pediatrician’s office, our hands clenched together with a nervous, anxious feeling going on inside internally. “It’s all going to be fine, she is going to tell us all normal 4 year old behaviour stuff and send us on our way. I am just over-reacting and taking things too seriously. Don’t worry”. I tell myself. She is alright.
“Your daughter has Autism. Extremely high-functioning and intelligent but certain character traits put her just inside the ASD spectrum”. The pediatrician told us. We were both taken aback. We thought something … anything but never in a million years did we expect Autism would be the answer we would hear.
We were handed a list of resources and phone numbers, an official diagnosis and sent on our way. We were sent into an unknown place with no map and absolutely no directions. Devastated and confused. Our world had just been turned completely upside down. What did this mean for our daughter? What was her life going to be like now? How long would it take for us to help her? How would she do in school? Will she ever make friends? Will her life turn out the way I had always hoped from the moment I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes and promised her the best life, now we were at a road block. A gigantic road block, that looked impossible to climb.
Now 2 years into our new world and knowing more I guess you could say that an Autism diagnosis should not been a surprise. In some way it was very obvious from the beginning that it was always a part of you.
You came into this world with a bang. You were our first baby and all this was as new to us as it was new to you. We were going to learn the ropes of this together. Everything was just baby stuff and seemed normal of course since we had no other baby to compare you to. But as your Mom I always wondered why you did some things just a tad differently than other babies your age. Maybe it is your personality, maybe it wasn’t, but certain things just make a whole lot more sense now that we are more educated in our new normal.
You were always a baby that didn’t like to be cuddled. You were quite content in just sitting in your little vibrating chair and watching the world around you. You would play for hours alone with your little stuffed animals, covering them in baby facecloths and leaving small rocks by their heads like the characters on In the Night Garden. Little inconveniences would always cause huge emotional breakdowns from you, everything from waiting for food and teeth brushing. We always said “Wow she is so demanding. Just like her, The Diva”. The Diva became your nickname.
Around age 3 I started to suspect something was just not right. Something just wasn’t coming together.
I would dread pick up at the daycare and the never ending daily status reports that would have how many timeouts your received and how the hitting was getting worst not better no matter what they did. Teeth brushing and hair brushing were becoming daily tasks I would rather skipped and chance major cavities and huge bird nest hair knots than endure the screaming and wrestling that seemed to go with it hand in hand. I started to wonder why you would never look fully at our faces and never directly into our eyes. I questioned why you would strip out of your clothes as soon as you came home and refused to wear jeans or corduroys. Why were there so many emotional tantrums about basic things like mittens or flip flops. But I mostly worried and wondered why you just seem to struggle with basic social interactions when outside our home and doing fun things that every other kid seemed to be enjoying. Was it just me overanalyzing and every other parent was going through the same thing at the fall fair and amusement park? Did it just seem like it was only me picking up an emotionally drained child at the birthday party? Maybe other parents were doing it as well, but just when they got home. Why did everything seem to run smoother for all the other families with kids?
When our daughter started Junior Kindergarten, my spidey senses went off immediately. I was 9 months pregnant with my son and was so excited to be starting my maternity leave as our daughter started JK. I expected some bumps in the road for the first day, but by the end of the week I was again getting those thoughts. Why did every kid line up and just walk into the classroom with no issues? Why is my daughter the only one refusing and throwing herself on the ground? Is there another Mom here who is speaking to the teacher at pick-up as much as me? How come she runs off and cries when a friend approaches her to play? Why is she not making friends?
When our daughter’s teacher requested a meeting, I knew it was to receive the usual news we get, that things were not going well. What I thought was going to be a discussion about new tactics in discipline was something more than I had ever expected. Her teacher was the first to suggest that “something” more was going on. She assured me that my gut instincts were not over analyzing thoughts of an over protective, paranoid parent. She directed me to speak to our family doctor and we went from there.
They say if you have a child with Autism, then you know that life is not a rollercoaster ride. It’s more like hanging upside down on a triple corkscrew that makes sudden and surprising stops in shark infested waters, beautiful rolling hills and bustling cities. This sums it up perfectly. Every day is a different struggle or a different victory and sometimes both and sometimes none. We celebrate the small things. Small things like talking to a new friend or finding socks that don’t itch. Small things like trying a new food or smiling at a stranger and telling them your name. We celebrate 3 sticker days at school. 3 stickers she receives for doing the things that come easily to most kids. These are the big things in our world.
At 6 years old and we still continue to learn the ropes and maneuver through this crazy road map together. Like other parents we are still learning about our 6 year old – ours just comes with a bit more instructions and extra tools.
