I am always envious of little kids, running around on the playground or in the park…footloose and fancy-free, without a care in the world.
Why should they? It’s pretty cool when you don’t have to worry about a thing – you are too young for school, too young to take on any kind of responsibility, too young to worry about paying bills, putting food on the table. A little kid just assumes that all this stuff will be taken care of for them by their parents or caregivers. In fact, I don’t even think they give a moments pause thinking about any of it.
As these kids get a bit older, they start their journey of education. It’s still pretty easy and non-stressful in kindergarten and even into grade 1…but at this point, grown-ups start placing demands on them. Certain milestones need to be met such as being able to read, very basic math (adding and subtracting), being able to identify the letters of the alphabet, writing, drawing…and other stuff like that!
I guess what they say is true… “ignorance is bliss” – not that these little guys are stupid or dumb…they just don’t know what is going on around them.
As parents and caregivers, we listen very carefully to the teachers of our children to hear about their progress and if they are flourishing at the level that is expected of them based on formulas and calculations done by the brain’s higher up the food chain. If our children are struggling at this point, it still doesn’t bum them out because they really still have no clue about the pressure that is being placed on them. Once the kids pass the primary grade levels, other stuff starts to happen, which might now include assignments and projects being doled out and our children being expected to have them completed by a certain date. “Tests” and “quizzes” start entering the conversation.
Pressure is starting to mount in other places beyond the classroom. The school yard starts becoming a pretty hectic and stressful place too. Conversations are had with fellow classmates and friends as our children try to find a way in…to develop friendships that are real with kids who they have things in common with. Sometimes these friendships backfire as our children learn that their “friends” are not really “friends”. It is also here that bullying becomes more of an issue. The pressure to not get singled-out or the worry of what might happen if you are singled out by the bully becomes a concern.
Pressure moves up a notch when transitioning from elementary to middle school…especially if middle school is a new school with new kids and new routines. I always remember my eldest daughter (who is now in high school), freaking out about not being able to memorize the combination to the lock for her locker and the worry of getting to class on time. The days leading up to the start of the new school year were (and still are) tricky, especially at night as my children lie awake in bed, thinking and anticipating what is ahead.
High School carries with it the greatest amount of pressure and we as parents should never, for one second, minimize the level of pressure our children are under while going to high school. All you have to do is remind yourself of what it was like in high school for you and multiply it by 10.
Grade 9 was hard for my daughter. Aside from getting accustomed to the new digs, she had to almost start from scratch in developing and finding a social network where she could feel comfortable and fit in. In her case, she was the “new kid on the block” trying to penetrate cliques that were already developed back in middle school or at summer camp. It is still a struggle for her to this day (she is now in grade 10) and doesn’t feel completely comfortable with the idea that she has any “true” friends….lots of acquaintances but no one to confide in.
Other things come into the equation in high school…nothing I am sure that we parents didn’t experience when we were kids…but these things are now happening to our little babies!! Exposure to sex, exposure to drugs and exposure to alcohol. Accept it or not, our children will try one if not all three of these things during their tenure at high school. Again…think back to when you were their age…were you any different?
Peer pressure is probably the biggest kind of stress your children will be under when attending high school. We all probably have war stories of our time in high school and memories of different cliques (remember “The Stoners”?)
The academic pressure is already there and has been mounting since the early days. Exams and more complex assignments and projects are now part of the mix. However, the biggest challenge with academic pressure at the high school age is the need to begin to formulate an action plan for the post-secondary life and careers to follow. This is a hard thing to get your head around when you are 14 or 15. It’s a hard thing to get around as a 47-year-old too!! It is even harder these days as even the most educated of graduates are finding it hard to penetrate the workforce by securing meaningful and fair paying work.
There is also a pressure that parents place on children at this age to go out and make some money (baby-sitting gigs or even part-time work) and to contribute more around the house (cleaning up their room, doing dishes, helping with the laundry…all the fun stuff us parents do all the time…it never ends and is relentless!)
So, to think that kids have it easy is completely crazy. Newborns and toddlers have it easy…but make no mistake, once our kids hit grade 1…the party is over.
But don’t worry…managing this pressure really doesn’t start until the end of the elementary school years.
So…what can we do as parents do to ease this sense of pressure that our children feel?
Firstly, don’t minimize it. Home is safety for kids…or at least, it should be. Home is where their voice can truly be heard and heard with empathy and compassion by their parents. Home is where kids can be their authentic and real selves. If we create a safe, loving and empathic environment for our children, they will be more willing to share with us what they are feeling. Remember, we parents have “been there and done that”. We can provide our children with great insight and at the very least, we can listen to them as they try to express their feelings.
At the high school level, a parent must work extra hard to earn the trust of their children. The biggest challenge parents have at this level is being allowed inside their kid’s heads. Kids feel their parents will dump on them for experimenting, screwing up or taking missteps in their journey. That is what being a teenager is all about. That is what life is all about. Adults make mistakes too. Our parents made mistakes with us and that is ok. We must support our teenagers, allowing them to test the waters knowing that their parents have their backs every step of the way.
We must parent our children. This isn’t a popularity contest…decisions we make for them will not always be well-received but listening to our children with patience and empathy and appreciating that what they are going through as teenagers isn’t easy, is the best strategy for future success.
