Actually, much. But when we’re in the thick of it, and can’t see the forest for the trees, nothing is positive, and all is bleak, heavy and downright horrible. We’ve all had those days, and sometimes those days turn into weeks, with few breaks, little refuge, and we feel beaten, throwing our hands up in the air, screaming out whatever feels good, and none of it is pretty, flowery language. Trucker mouth. That’s ok. Swear away.
SWEAR, it’s ok!
Not only do I give you permission to feel horrible and hate your life, but do whatever you need to do to take some time and feel better. Let it out. Vent, punch a pillow, throw your clothes all over the floor and don’t even pick them up. Cry, scream, shout, and let it out. If that also means swearing, go for it. It’s been documented in The Harvard Review that swearing physiologically helps us to feel better. And, smart people swear more than most. Feel better? Almost?
EGO
Alright, here’s where we start to talk about the upside to bad times. It builds character. Don’t roll your eyes, and don’t stop reading. What’s coming is important. Life will happen all around us. How we receive what happens is often bigger than what happens, and how we interpret what happens, is tantamount to how we take it on, and either roll with it, or if we’re going to let it control us. Here’s the beginning of the upside…What happens to you in your life can be perceived as happening to you, but without the Ego, so you;re not taking it personally. You’re really and truly just rolling with the punches.
Our Egos rule us. When something happens that’s unpleasant, hurtful, or in any way affronting, we get angry at it, resentful, and defensive. But that, is a choice. There’s yet another side of it too. You have the power to not let what happens to you, be a personal vendetta against you. You can, simply, just allow it to happen, and choose not to be reactive, which is ego, and instead, be responsive.
Reaction
I use this example a lot with my clients; You’re driving, and out of nowhere, a car cuts in right in front of you, nearly causing an accident. This is where emotional control comes into it. We can choose to react. Or not. I prefer, to not. It keeps my stress level low, I don’t take it personally, and because I don’t, I’m able to maintain my happy state, once I catch my breath and shake my head, all with a smile. I choose how I’m going to receive this, and if I’m going to react, or respond.
Smile, and carry on.
There’s a little secret I’d like to share with you about responding. You don’t even have to. You can just be like, Meh, and let things ride off your shoulders. Whatever. Smile, and carry on. That, is character building. And not only that, it shows you that you have more control over how you can choose manage situations than you think. It just takes practice. You know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” right? It’s true. It’s not what you want to hear in the heat of the moment, but later, after you’ve had time to settle, and you think about it, it’s true. Why? Because in the abyss of awful, we always seem to come out ok, having learned something, and that, is not only the key to ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, but it is also the springboard to living a more emotionally richer life, and leading by example for your kids. Now that’s, win-win.
Perspective, perception, and mindset
Perspective, perception, and mindset are very powerful aspects of our selves, emotional control, and choice. I always tell my clients, that if we think positive, we then believe positive, and we end up speaking using positive language. All positive. All good. It’s healthy to be in the moment of “I hate my life”, “I want out”, and have a meltdown. We’ve all been there, yours truly included. You do have to vent first, live in the moment, feel horrible and feel badly for yourself. I think that’s all very important. As a Behaviourist, being here for a while is important and necessary. And, it feels good. And then, get up, rise up, and manage those bad times. There’s a gift of learning and something bigger in there, you just have to want to feel better, and allow yourself to see it.
If you need help seeing it, let me know. I can help you. In the meantime, the next time something happens to you, wait, breathe, remember this article, channel me, repackage and reframe it, put a gentle smile on your face (that physiologically tricks the brain into thinking you’re not in fight-or-flight, and you’re happy and ok), and just try and roll with it. I am pretty sure you’ll experience a difference in your outlook, your temperament, and your outcome.
Lauren Millman
